It comes to bed before he does. Slips in behind me, presses its chest to my back like he used to. It knows my scent. Knows where I ache and where I dig for signs.

You are the only thing I’ve ever done without regret. In a world that has asked me to question everything—

I came into this life

I was bleeding when he came to me— not with pity, not with fear, but with the weight of a man who still wanted me even when I was broken. I changed my pants in front of him.

I said maybe it was the weed. He said maybe it was the stress. We circled the maybes like buzzards. I needed something to point at— a habit, a fight, a forgotten prayer.

I thought love would be the gate.  The key.  The clean path.  That once I said yes, the kingdom would open— filled with calm mornings and hands that never trembled when they reached for me. I believed in a peace that someone else could bring.  A man.  A ring.  A house that smelled like safety. But heaven is not handed down.

He cried when he knew he’d have to give up five children to love me.  And he did.  Chose the woman four years older with a daughter and a sword in her mouth. I warned him: I don’t trust easy.  I see too much.  I’ll break you open just to make sure you’re real.

I want to be clean.  Not flawless.  Not quiet.  Just clean. Not like my mother.  Not a tyrant with lipstick and scripture, wielding guilt like gospel, keeping men leashed by fear and women silent in her shadow.

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